When You're New to BDSM

When I was new to BDSM, I wanted to run out and do everything immediately, but I was also afraid of what kind of people I’d find. I had finally put a name to the desires that had been so much a part of my sexuality but that I had been afraid to admit, even to myself.

I screwed up my courage and began to talk to people about it. Of course, those people were in an AOL chat room called “Stocks and Bonds” so I was anonymous, but I was still very nervous. I didn’t say a word that day. I just sat and watched the room banter scroll by. It was pretty unmemorable. I couldn’t tell you want I saw that day, but I went back again and again, and eventually talked to people in the room and in private messages, and I started to learn.

I had a healthy sense of skepticism that kept me safe and I had developed a way of learning about new things that I think served me very well. So, as much as I really wanted to dive in head first, I didn’t. Instead I took my time and tested the waters slowly. Over the course of a few weeks, I learned a lot about how to stay safe, both physically and emotionally. And so far, 15 years later, it seems to be working out.

In the beginning, I read everything I could get my hands on. I read fiction, nonfiction, and vanilla books about sex. I read the Beauty Series, Exit to Eden, the Story of O, and the short stories I found online. I read the Joy of Sex, wherein I learned that bondage fantasies are among the most common, and Different Loving, wherein I learned about the broad spectrum of activities that fell under the umbrella of BDSM. That was all in the first three months. I asked the people in the chat room what they had read, what they would recommend to a newbie like me and I followed up.

As I learned more, I started to ask a lot of questions, of others and of myself. As I discovered something new, I’d ask lots of different people if they’d done it, why or why not, what they had felt, what they had done, how they felt afterward, would they do it again and why or why not. I got a lot of different perspectives, and that helped me form my own opinions. I didn’t accept any one person as the fount of all BDSM wisdom. There are too many aspects of it for any one person to know everything about everyone. But everyone could be a resource on one topic or another (or maybe two or three).

Since then, I’ve continued to read a lot, and I’ve written a bit as well, but mostly I’ve talked to other people and I’ve listened. I have read, participated on, and eventually moderated a number of BDSM related message boards over the years. Those can be a really great source of information too.

I’ve also gone to lots of educational events over the years. Some were at dungeons and play spaces, some were discussion groups that met in banquet rooms at restaurants, and some were just a group of people meeting over pizza and beer to talk and get to know each other. Take a friend and go. There’s a lot to learn. We’ll address those in another article in coming weeks.

Here’s what I recommend to new submissives in particular, but really to all people who are new to BDSM:

• Most people don’t need to have one person they consider their mentor. But if you feel you need to have a mentor, find a mentor who is like you: Male dominants should have male dominants as mentors. Female submissive should have experience female submissives as mentor. But in particular, I really believe that if you are a submissive woman, you should NOT have a male dominant as your mentor, especially if he expects you to play with him. That’s not mentorship, that’s playing and there is a big difference.

• Talk to a lot of different people. When you talk to people who have different kinks, gender, levels of experience and orientation, you get a broader range of information and perspectives. Talk to men, women, and straight and LGBTQ people. Talk to dominants, submissives and switches. Ask them questions, listen to their answers, to their stories, to their opinions, and mull it all over.

• Don’t expect any one person to have all the answers you’re looking for. The point of this inquiry is not to find the opinion you agree with, but to develop your own.

The truth is this: No one has all the answers for you because there is no one right answer for everyone. What you can find is enough information for you to start coming to your own conclusions about the scene, about your place in it, and about what kind of partner(s) you may be happiest with.

Originally posted Nov. 23, 2008