Safewords -- The Unending Argument

I’m not against safewords as such, but I don’t think they are the be-all-and-end-all that a lot of people seem to believe.

My dominant and I don’t have a safeword, and at this point in our relationship we don’t need one. But honestly? I’ve never had a safeword with him.

I know I am completely safe with him at all times because he pays meticulous attention to me, my reactions — physically and emotionally — and he’s never pushed me too far. He also listens to me — if I say, “my hip is cramping,” he takes care of my hip. It’s a matter of trust — he trusts me not to lie to get out of something uncomfortable, and I trust him with my physical and emotional safety.

But I also think that safewords are really useful, especially when you’re playing with someone you don’t know very well and when you’re trying out a completely new area of play. You never know what landmines might arise emotionally or how your body will react to a new type of play.

I’m never going to say that everyone needs to use a safeword at all times with all play partners. But I’m also never going to say that no one needs to use one ever. It’s something you really need to learn about, discuss with your partners, and decide for yourself.

Originally posted January 5, 2009